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Mr. Mom: Life At Home With The Kids
by Jim RaycroftWhen asked to write a piece about the situation we have in our house, I hesitated to use the term "Mr. Mom" because there is a slightly negative connotation to it. After all, no "real man" would look after the kids on a regular basis.
Fortunately, my wife and I live in Southern California, in the United States, and life out here is a little more laid back than in many other places. Many of my colleagues in the music industry here are in the same situation - we are stay-home dads.
Daddies and Mommies
Our situation is not necessarily unique. With the strengthening of the woman's position in the work force, it is no longer necessary for a man to give up a rewarding but unsteady vocation - such as singing professionally - in order to get a "real job" to support his family. Nor is it necessary for a woman to give up a career she finds rewarding to be a stay-home mom.
My wife, for instance, is a highly creative person with management and computer skills that are very marketable. Although she, too, has two degrees in music, her additional skills make her highly employable and successful in today's work force.
As recently as twenty years ago, the idea of the husband spending more time at home was radical. Men in this position were made to feel like failures because they weren't "bringing home the bacon." The sociological stigma is the biggest problem that couples who make this choice have to overcome.
I was a ground-breaker at the YMCA, taking my son and then my daughter to "Mommy and Me" gym and swim classes. After the first month, the other mothers in the classes told their husbands that there was a father in the group. More dads began to appear. They even had to change the lyrics of some of the songs to be more inclusive, mentioning "daddies" as well as "mommies."
Still, every man will need to feed the "macho red-neck" within from time to time. The most devoted family man in the world will have to go out with other guys occasionally, if for no other reason than to remind himself that he is still a man. Similarly, the most successful working mother will begin to feel as though she isn't a good mom because she isn't at home every day, or at home as much as her own mother was. She needs to get her "fix" of being a mom.
I try to keep a fairly close watch on my wife's moods, because I know that she occasionally goes through her "mom withdrawal." The kids and I make it a point to pick Mommy up at the train from time to time and take her out for dinner. That way she can just spend time with the kids without interruptions. I try to take my wife out for lunch about once a week and bring her flowers about every second week. Part of loving my wife is honouring her as a mother.
Working out the kinks
For most families, it is necessary for both parents to work. We have to pay the bills and we want to provide our kids with the kind of life we remember or wish we'd had. In the end, the kids pay the price for the parents' absence. They can become rowdy or difficult - which we now know is a cry for attention - or quiet and withdrawn.
Children need their parents around. Ultimately, what does it matter which parent is with them when?
My wife and I have tried the system where she worked at home and I worked at a day job, but somehow it has always drifted back to the current system. My wife makes more money in the mainstream job market than I could, and my work - though sporadic - can pay extremely well and leaves one of us with a more flexible schedule.
Yet even with this system - and the children in school - life can be complicated. My schedule as a performer is very irregular. Calls can come in 2 or 3 hours in advance of the job. With all the grandparents living 2500 miles away, short-notice childcare can be a challenge. My wife and I have cultivated friendships with people who like our kids (admittedly, almost everyone), with other parents and with people from our church who are willing to go out of their way to help out.
I remember vividly the day I was scheduled to work on the musical score for the movie "Jurassic Park". We were at the studio from 9 am to 6 pm and both kids were done school at 2 pm. The only person available to pick them up had a pick-up truck with room for one child - he picked my daughter up early, went to the house and waited with her for the babysitter to arrive. Then he went back to pick up my son. Necessity is indeed the mother of invention.
Lately, I have made a deal for these kinds of situations with a friend of the family - baby-sitting services in exchange for singing lessons. The kids are also old enough now that I can rely on something that I was hesitant about before - playground supervision after school. Where we live, the schools are often too far for the children to walk home (in our case, almost 4 miles), there isn't a public transportation system for the children to use and the city can be a scary place. Even if the school were close enough for the children to walk home, we would never allow them to.
A lucky guy
The most important thing to remember in any family is to keep your sense of humour, and remember why you do what you do. Children are a gift from God. Being a parent is a big responsibility, but it's also a privilege.
So the next time you see a guy walking his kids to the playground in the middle of the afternoon on a Wednesday, don't feel sorry for him. He and his wife may have chosen for him to be "Mr. Mom".
If so, he's a lucky guy. And I should know.
Know More: Questions about family? Ask us.
~Jim Raycroft works in Los Angeles, California as a professional singer and musical arranger. He has worked on such films as Home Alone, Hook, Jurassic Park, First Knight, Waterworld, Mars Attacks! and Quest for Camelot. He and his wife, Eileen, have two children–Derek, age eight, and Alanna, age six.