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Should Children See Parents Argue?
by Dennis and Barbara RaineyRelated Reading: Influence that counts
Is it appropriate to resolve conflict in front of younger children? Should we let them see us arguing and making up?
Barbara: Many parents set a policy of not arguing in front of their kids. There are some good points about this policy, but I also think it is good for our children to see us disagree and have an argument, as long as we keep those to a minimum and don’t frighten the kids or make them feel insecure. Kids can learn how to resolve conflict by watching us do it.
Dennis: In our marriage, there have been moments where suddenly the kids have realized, “Oh, my goodness—Mom and Dad are having an argument here.” Barbara and I have had to realize that our children are fixed on us like radar units and we are their most secure reference points.
When the children see us in disagreement, we take a “time out” from the argument to reassure them. We say, “Mom and Dad are having a disagreement. This happens in marriage. Marriage is between two people who sometimes differ, and your mom and I differ. However, we are still committed to each other, we love each other, and this is part of a healthy married relationship.”
If your argument is a yelling match, then that’s not part of healthy love; even in your disagreements you should model for your kids unconditional love. They need to see you working through a conflict, resolving it, and forgiving each other. They need to be reassured by seeing the reconciliation as well as the argument.
Know More: Questions about family? Ask us.
~Dennis and Barbara Rainey are co-founders of FamilyLife, and authors of best-selling books such as Moments Together for Couples and Staying Close. Dennis cohosts the daily radio program "FamilyLife Today," heard by 4 million people each week. The Raineys have six children and seven grandchildren and live in Little Rock.
Taken from www.familylife.com by authors Dennis and Barbara Rainey. Copyright© 2005. All rights reserved. Used by permission.