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Tools for Building a Great Marriage
by Gail Rodgers
Building a marriage is much like building a home. You put deliberate plans in place and then you actively pursue the construction. Day to day busyness must be guarded against and the building must be conscious. When building stops, status quo settles in. Having a deliberate eye on construction can keep building fun and productive.
The marriage relationship is the highest of all human relationships. It can be a complete sharing of heart and soul, mind and body or, it can be simply a living arrangement of co-existence. Most marriages are somewhere in between. Any marriage can benefit from implementing some new or re-sharpened tools to move deliberately in building a growing relationship.
Here are 5 practical and positive tools to use in building your marriage.
1. The Team Tool
Remember you are a team. When two team members forget they are on the same team and begin to compete with each other, no one wins. Marriage is not about winning; it is about pulling together in the same direction. Stop for a moment and look honestly at yourself. Do you need to win every argument or be right about some insignificant disagreement?
Maybe she is the one with that need to be right. Remember you are on the same team. In things that don’t matter, drop it. In things that do, plan for a time out and set a date to re-visit the issue. Verbalize the fact that you are a team. Bring in a third party if you repeatedly stalemate on one issue. Think in terms of "I choose us".
2. The Response Tool
Don’t react, respond! Your reactions actually tell more about you than your actions do! Take time to think before you just react! Evaluate why you react in certain ways and plan ahead of time what you are going to do next time it happens. Know what your buttons are…do you react negatively if she is too engrossed in the kids and seemingly ignores you? What situations do you find yourself reacting in?
Choose to be conscious of the "I choose us" frame of mind and think about why you react the way you do. Many couples get on a merry-go-round of reactions and find themselves in a hostile environment neither of them wants. Choose to respond instead!
3. The Blessing Tool
Give a blessing today! In the book The Blessing, Gary Smalley and Dr. John Trent describe the deliberate practice of expressing honor and devotion to other people. It’s actually a practice with deep Biblical roots. Many marriage partners have come to this special relationship without ever having received honor or devotion. Sometimes they come with trust issues because these things were not a part of their heritage.
Begin today to put words of honor and devotion into your partner’s heart. Speak truth from your heart. Let her know what you appreciate about her. Affirm her positive traits. "You give such attention to detail." or "Your boss knows he can depend on you." If you have to stretch a long way to find something, start where you can. It may be something like, "I appreciate how you stretch the family budget each month. Thank you." Or "Billy had a great birthday party. Our kids are lucky to have you for a mom."
For some, this tool will be easy to use. For others it will feel awkward and hard to put to use. If you draw a blank in finding words of affirmation begin to watch carefully for the little things you can affirm. Ask God, who sees the best in all of us, to reveal to your heart some positive qualities you can affirm in your wife.
4. The Sharing Tool
Share as much of life as possible! Share your time, share your thoughts, share your interests, and share her interests. This is a tool that must be deliberately engaged or life will push it aside. Time spent together doing things affords a connection opportunity. History together is built one event at a time. Make sure you are inputting positive events that build a positive archive. Plan dates… a movie night, dinner out, or even just time for a coffee together to help keep sharing alive!
If life has crowed the sharing out of your relationship, be deliberate in building it back in. Start small, share a specific TV program and invite her to join you. Ask how you can help out when you see she is juggling a lot of things. Even cleaning the garage or basement together can connect you. Reminisce briefly now and then. "This old bike brings back memories of the good times we had biking before we moved". Share your time. As you do small tasks and errands together it will become easier to find moments when you can begin to share your thoughts.
5. The Contact Tool
Make daily contact! It is entirely possible to live with someone and not make any or very little contact. Contact is an excellent building tool and you can use it in a variety of ways. Each day try to connect in one way, either emotionally, mentally, physically, or spiritually. Think about it and try to be deliberate. Some construction tools look overwhelming yet when you know how to use them they are extremely valuable in the building project.
Emotionally – Share a thought that goes beyond picking up milk or confirming the time of an appointment. Use "I feel…" comments. Offer support emotionally. "You’ve had a lot of pressure lately. Why don’t you sleep in a bit Saturday?" "I know we are in a financial crunch right now, but we’ll do what we have to do and together we’ll get through it." Encourage in any way you can. Remember that communication is only 7% words we speak and the rest is our tone and body language. Tone and body language are the emotional language we speak. Your wife needs to connect with you emotionally in order to connect with you in other ways.
Mentally – Connect by sharing a newspaper article you read, a news commentator you listened to or from a book you are reading. Ask her opinions and listen to them. Share a story from your day or ask a question about something that interests her.
Physically - Give lots of non-sexual touching such as a quick hug, a hand on the arm, a pat on the hand or the back. Touching says "I care" and touch is one of our basic human needs. Don’t let all touching become a signal for sex. Remember that making love begins long before you ever reach the bedroom.
You will be surprised at your wife’s responses to you physically when you take the time to listen to her, to lovingly touch throughout the day and to connect emotionally. Put some planning into your intimate times together. Offer to put the kids to bed while she has a relaxing bath. Let her know you find pleasure in time alone with her. A woman who feels treasured by her man will be a treasure for her man.
Spiritually – Many couples never share on this level even if they share the same faith. Spiritual sharing gives a third dimension to a relationship. Share a thought or a reading that inspired you. Take time to pray for her. Let her know you are praying for her. Ask what you can be specifically pray about. Pray together if possible.
Endeavor to connect regularly on all levels.
And what about me?
These tools all focus on you as the builder. It is more important to be the right partner than to have the right partner. You can only change you. You cannot change your partner; you can only change how you relate to her.
But what if your emotional and spiritual gage is on empty? What if you are stressed to the max and need someone to build into you?
Plain and simply the answer is God! No, don’t stop reading…its true and it is a very practical thing you can experience. God cares about you. He knows what keeps you awake at night. He has only your best in mind. He waits for you to invite Him to share the journey of life with you. When you open your heart to Him and receive His forgiveness for doing life your own way, He comes in and begins to build into you so you, in turn, can build into others.
Invite God into your life; invite him into your marriage. He is the well from which you can draw. Ask Him to give you insight into your wife. Ask Him to give you a loving and understanding heart. Ask Him to give you strength and wisdom. Ask Him for words that build up and bless. Ask Him for patience. He created you and He created marriage. He is the master builder and the one who is truly qualified to help you use these tools.
On your own you can find a measure of success in applying these tools. But God holds the manual and, when invited, He can enhance your life and your marriage in ways you never imagined. Why not invite Him now?
~Father God,
Thank you that You care about me and that You actually desire to walk with me through life. That amazes me! I open my heart to You right now and accept Your love and forgiveness. Help me to understand how You love me. Help me to come to You and Your deep well of resources every day. God, I don’t fully understand how You work in my life, but I ask You to teach me. Give me the patience and the insight to build my marriage stronger. Thank you for my wife. Bless her and protect her. Teach me to know You and to grow in Your ways.
I ask this in Jesus’ name, Amen
Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.
If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you'll experience life to the fullest.
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~Gail Rodgers is a freelance writer who has worked in the aviation industry for the past 25 years in the capacity of owner/operator and Operations Manager of several small and medium size FBO’s.